Just Say No

Hmm...It seems that I have some lost time to make up for if I'm going to meet my goal of simplifying my life before January 1, 2011.

Because it has been on my mind, I'm going to jump ahead a little to #6 Learn to say no. This is actually one of the key habits for those trying to simplify their lives. If you can’t say no, you will take on too much. Article here.

I recently attended a conference for Middle School teachers, and participated in a workshop focused on reducing stress and teacher burnout.  One of the presenter's ideas really resonated with me.  It is the idea of saying "no," but presented in a way that removes the guilt from turning down requests (particularly those from friends, family, and bosses.)

When guilt or obligation are the motivators for accepting a request, the requested act adds stress and toxicity to our lives.  We see and experience only the additional stress that the task presents, not its intended positive, meaningful, or necessary purpose.  The task takes away from, instead of adding to, our lives.  We have opted, chosen, to do something that has a negative effect on our lives! 

Considering the high level of inevitable stress (job expectations, family obligations, personal needs and challenges) that exists, it seems unfathomable that we would actually opt to take on additional negative stress.  But when we stop and think about our experiences with being talked into (intentionally or unintentionally) taking on a request, and the feelings that come from performing this task, it is clear that in essence, this is exactly what we've done. 

The guilt or obligation that we often feel is created within ourselves, and is usually not intended by the requester.  Most likely this individual has made the request of us because of their confidence in our abilities, not because they want us to feel guilted or threatened into saying yes. 

(I will not begin to say that there are not exceptions, of people who use guilt to get something they want. But the majority of people, particularly friends, family members, and colleagues, are not intentionally manipulative.)  

When we accept requests out of guilt, or feelings of obligation, we often end up feeling resentful or bitter towards the requester.  (They are, in fact, simply that - someone making a request.  We are the ones that accept.)  Another reason we may feel forced to accept a request, is for fear that the requester will be upset should we turn them down.  Yet, when given the choice between asking someone else or being the subject of silent resentment, most would undoubtedly move on to another candidate.  In an attempt to keep our relationship free of tension, we actually create unprompted negativity that will inevitably fester between us.  

Even though recognizing and accepting these ideas is easy, it is still difficult to actually say no!  Here's where the new perspective comes in:

Rather than telling yourself to "say no" - remind yourself to always be a "joyful giver."  Instead of telling yourself "I have to say no, just say no, just say no" (which in itself can create anxiety) tell yourself "I will only accept requests that bring me personal joy.  I want to be seen as a joyful giver, and therefore I will only give to things that will naturally give me joy."  In essence they are synonymous.  But the mindsets are different. Each perspective sets us up for different feelings, motivations, and reactions.

If we consciously save our energies only for the requests that will naturally bring us joy - are connected to our hobbies, interests, skill and/or beliefs - we will be less stressed and more fulfilled.  We will be seen as and feel like joyful givers.  By reminding ourselves that we want our energies to be available for those requests that we can take on with joy, we remove the guilt that we often feel, and take on experiences that add to our lives without subjecting the requester to unwarranted resentment. 

Here is a step-by-step script for saying "No."

1.  "I appreciate your vote of confidence or I appreciate you thinking of me"

2.  "I think this is a worthy cause or I think this a good idea"

3.  "For several reasons I have to say no"

4.  Immediately break eye contact

You have now said "no" in a clear, direct, kind, and final way.  There is no room for questioning, pushing, or persuading by the requester. 

This idea strongly resonates with me.  I am quick to say yes to just about anything.  For me, it doesn't necessarily come from a place of guilt or obligation.  Rather, I think, I am anxious to have experiences and to learn (regardless of the subject and its connection to my life.)  I also have a hard time turning down things that I know I can take on successfully.  If I can do it, why not do it?  But by volunteering without discretion, I exhaust myself, and save nothing for the opportunities that could be accepted joyfully and add meaning to my life.

So yes, I will be taking on #6.  But rather than saying "no," I will be saving my "yeses" for the requests that I can take on with, and for the sake of, JOY.